The birth of Michael James

I will say that michaels birth story started long before he was actually born. Dale and I both knew that when we hit 42 weeks on Sunday the 11th our chance of delivering at the birthing center was over. So, we tried every natural induction method possible. We walked for a couple of miles each day, started using evening primrose oil, red raspberry leaf tea, and bouncing on the yoga ball most of the day. These were the simplest methods we tried. Though we weren't making any changes in progress. He was not dropping! I just felt a lot of pelvic pressure that seemed to get slightly worse over time but none of the typical "lightning" symptoms. We had a hunch he might just be big or have his dads shoulders. We should have listened.

Our 41 week appointment came up with very little change to my cervix. A homeopathic herb and pumping routine was recommended so we picked up the herbs at a whole foods store and I got started the next day around my chiropractor appointment. I had some mild contractions in the evening but they disappeared around 10:00 like they normally did. I did however pump half an ounce of colostrum. Yay, my boobs were working! Wednesday we had a biophysical ultrasound and a non stress test run. We attempted to get a size measurement from the tech but she wasn't able to do so. Another sign. Otherwise he passed all of his tests with flying colors! Next was a trip to the birthing center to be checked again. We were "very soft, 1cm, and about 50% effaced." Plus she could feel his head which was a change from Monday. She was also able to strip my membranes. We were feeling positive!

Thursday I started another round of the herbs and pumping but still wasn't having any contractions. Our midwife, Abi, recommended seeing an acupuncturist who could squeeze us in that afternoon. Of course, we went. I was an emotional wreck that week so it was at least nice to have to lay still for an hour.

The next day, still nothing. It was Friday. I knew if nothing happened I'd have to take a castor oil shake in the morning. Not excited but the last thing on our natural induction list. I woke up at five and did it. Not fun! The nausea was the worst part and kept me feeling like a zombie most of the day. I did however start to get some contractions that afternoon after deciding a nap in the grass would do me some good. That sounds crazy but being so close to nature felt rejuvenating. The contractions of course stopped around the same time they usually did.

It was suggested that I do the castor oil again on Sunday but I knew if I did I could spend my last day before labor feeling miserable. I decided against it and spent the day relaxing. Monday we had to head to the hospital for another non stress test to find out of we were checking in our if we got another day.

Now is where it gets fun. After an emergency early morning trip to the vet for one of our kitties we had to rush to the hospital. Crazy! Our Triage nurse was wonderful! She is actually an out of hospital midwife so she understood our wants and concerns. We were hooked up for an hour or two while we waited for the midwife of our doctor to come and inspect us. We discussed induction methods and how we'd want to go about it. It was mentioned that we could start with a cervical softener and then pitocin but I was highly against the drug they wanted to give me. She didn't like that I was informed and was standing up for my body and my decision. I then received a very uncomfortable and violating exam. Our midwives had never been this rough!

We headed home with another day to get things started but with the dread that this midwife would be on call when I had to come in the next day. I was very emotional and discouraged. Shortly after getting home I got a phone call from said midwife trying to talk me back into the drug I refused and informing me that Dr. B would also try and talk me into it. She also informed me that she would no longer be overseeing my induction in the morning. Good news but also bad. What a great midwife to drop a client because they disagree! I broke down after that phone call. Why not just give in and take the drug!? No!

Thankfully daddy made us a wonderful dinner including desert! This doesn't happen often so it was wonderful paired with contractions every six minutes. We were equally as excited about dinner and the contractions :-)

Tuesday morning was rough. Every fiber of my being did not want to go through with this. I knew we would likely start off with pitocin which would probably not be successful since my cervix wasn't ready. I still hadn't felt Michael drop at all. Still only pressure on my pubic bone. He just wasn't ready! I just wanted more time but I also knew everything we'd hoped for was about to go out the window.

We headed to the hospital with my mom and got checked into our labor and delivery room. It was a decent room but could of had a bit more seating. Yes, these things bother me. We waited a couple of hours for Dr.B to show up for another delivery and to see us. He did try to talk me into Cytotec explaining that everything had risks. I stood my ground and we decided to start with the pitocin since he felt my cervix wouldn't show any issues with progressing.

We started the pitocin at four pm and the contractions began at 5. They weren't too bad but hearing that they wanted me at five every ten minutes was a bit ridiculous! We were still having fun, bouncing on the yoga ball and breathing through them. They were manageable so I knew we didn't need to worry about calling our birth photographer or doula just yet. They are busy preggo's too so I knew they needed rest!

My first ever IV

They continued to turn up the pitocin over the next few hours until I was maxed out. Yikes! The contractions were more often, some even two to three minutes apart but were still manageable. Dr.B checked us again somewhere around midnight and we had made no progress. He wasn't surprised as he didn't expect any until 24 hours on pit. He however wasn't happy with the back to back of the contractions. They still didn't turn it down and kept me going.

Grandma was resting in the recliner and daddy was relaxing in bed so mommy sat in the rocker and breathed through things. They were more intense and just kept coming, not natural in any way. Thankfully if I laid down they slowed or I at least couldn't feel them nearly as much so when I needed a break I got into bed. Then when i was rested enough I got back in the chair and let them come. I wasn't watching the monitor much  because I didn't need to be told when they were coming. This also meant I wasn't paying attention to Michael's heartbeat which wasn't showing any significant changes with the contractions. Even with the five I'd just had back to back. 

I was feeling pretty defeated as I knew we weren't making any progress. I knew he hadn't gotten any lower. Dale and I had a deep conversation about a c-section. No one had ever done a real growth scan to see how big he was so we really had no idea. We just knew something wasn't right. I was mentally just getting through the constant contractions but once they slowed I got some confidence back. I wanted to keep going. I knew I had to try. We decided we'd wait it out but Dale warmed to the idea of the epidural. I may need it later anyway and I was beyond exhausted. - we decided now was the time to ask our birth photographer to come which was around 4:30 - Wrenda Slaymaker Photography

They still didn't turn it down after seeing the contractions but they did call in the head nurse. Put me on my side and put oxygen on me. This seemed to help the little boy.

It was around 7am when Dr.B came to check me again. I stretched to two centimeters and was effacing but Michael was still very high. They were worried that his lack of response was due to meconium in the fluid so they broke my water and turned off the pit. "That doesn't look like the water of a 42 week old." Clear and perfect. - I had no idea what was going on and that they were breaking my water. The look on my husbands face as he watched me in such discomfort was heart breaking. He was working so hard to be so strong for all of us. Such a great daddy already. -But now we were on the clock for real. And what a very weird sensation! He had them turn the pit back on but were strictly told not to hyper stimulate me again. I knew it was about to get rough.

About an hour or two later when lying down no longer got me through the contractions I knew I should just ask for the epidural. We weren't progressing so I knew this would be a while and I needed rest.

It took him a couple of hours but finally the anesthesiologist came to see me. Just in time! I was now groaning through the contractions.  I sounded like a quiet version of the woman giving birth naturally next door. A part of me wonders if I could have kept going if it hadn't have been for the pitocin. I give her gold stars! I wanted the drugs and had to force myself through being hunched over and multiple attempts to get it. Totally worth it!

Now it gets crazy where I start dreaming things that didn't happen and black out things that did. Like my nurse changing my bedding for the second time while I'm still laying on it. Or dreaming my husband left the room for a long time when really he was watching me sleep. I slept through most of the labor at this point. I remember waking up sweaty and very warm. I had to take breaks from the oxygen mask. And my nurses were great at bringing me Popsicles any time I asked.

I would interact with Dale, my mom, or Wrenda for a bit and then fall back asleep. This happened off and on until the end. There was one point where Michael decided to climb up into my ribs. Literally, it was not a contraction. He was moving upwards. After thinking about it I believe I know now why, my poor son. He stayed high up in my ribs on the left hand side for the rest of the evening. 

This was our triage nurse from Monday who came to find us. Her shift was over just before he was born, unfortunately.

I was checked again somewhere close to midnight. The details have become hazy after a few days in the hospital. I hadn't dilated from our last exam but I was almost fully effaced. Michaels head was now higher up. We knew it wasn't happening so he suggested the c-section. I knew by this point we couldn't fight it anymore. Michael was not coming out and the pitocin had to stop.

Once we made the decision a huge swarm of people came into the room. They gave me more of the epidural to help speed things along. I asked the nurses and anesthesiologist some questions and also made sure they had the hat I made for Michael to wear. I remember my husband and mother discussing what needed to go out to the car and what needed to stay for recovery. They would run that out while I was getting prepped. I made sure Dale could go with Michael to the nursery after he was born and that he would be able to be put on my skin after birth. Pending any complications they would as soon as he was cleaned up. Dr. b and our photographer were in the background discussing cameras and photography. Comforting actually.

I vaguely remember looking at Dale and asking him if he would be ok. I believe he whispered words of comfort and told me how proud he was. He said "I'll be right there" my response being, "You better". I was so drugged! I think we had finally come to peace with this. We kissed and they wheeled me off leaving him to run out to the car and then get into his scrub outfit - he brought his mask home with him- I remember my mom asking me how I was doing. "terrified. But of surgery or becoming a parent?" was my answer.

They sure like to keep OR's cold. The room was freezing! Though I'm sure most of the shivering was a side effect. It still sucks! They got me all prepped for surgery. I wasn't scared. I was ready to be done. He needed to be out. They got my pain blocker to the right spot and then we had to wait for Dr.B which is very difficult when you are dealing with not feeling like you're breathing. It almost sent me into an anxiety attack but thankfully the anesthesiologist was fantastic! She keeps me grounded and encouraged me. She also gave me a small run down of what was going on which helped.

Dr.B was finally scrubbing in so they let Dale come in. He came by my side and I asked him to hold my constantly shaky, and slightly numb hand. I apologized that I may not be able to say much to him. It was taking all of my willpower to focus on my breathing. "it's ok, I'm here" (added later while telling me he was trying to be as comforting as possible without freaking out.) 

Finally, the show got started. I don't remember it taking long before I heard the suction. I knew then that at least part of him was out. Then I felt the assistant shoving Michael down out of my ribs. We saw him carried over to the newborn table but he hadn't cried yet. I only saw a bundled bit of baby. I couldn't see him but I wasn't scared. I just kept saying "come on baby" "let mommy hear you" "come on baby boy". I kept praying and knew I'd hear it. I did. My son cried! He made noise! Then he REALLY made noise! I broke down as I'm sure every mother does. I remember looking at the ceiling above me, the only time I believe, and just let the tears fall. I was so relieved.

This lump was solid bruise. His skull had never shifted so this was all tissue.

He cried!!

Daddy still got to "cut the cord"

I told Dale to go to him after the nurse couldn't calm him. I look over to see my amazing husband bend down to whisper something to our son. Our handsome, screaming son, who stops crying. He stopped screaming. He had daddy! I broke down again. I don't think I've ever felt such love and confirmation in my life. 

They brought Michael over to Dale and I. Unfortunately the hat I'd made him was too small for his noggin so they put it on top of his hospital hat. They unstrapped my hand so I could touch him. It was difficult with all the shaking but I was able to stroke his head a bit. He was bright eyed, puffy, and very white. He was perfect. I'm sure I spoke to him but I just remember being so glad he was peaceful and content in my husbands arms. Thank you Dale for helping me remember my first words to him! "There you are."

After years we were finally a family. I was content. They needed to take Michael to the nursery so I made sure Dale went with him. I unfortunately didn't get my skin to skin with him due to his delay in response and low test scores.I'm glad he didn't see this next part. Putting me back together was the worst part! The pressure and tugging was insane. Surely I was stretched out enough that they didn't have to pull so much! I just remember wishing that they would hurry up and be done. I almost asked for some anti anxiety meds but when told they would likely make me loopy I turned them down. After what seemed like hours they were, thank you!

Yay! Grandma got to hold her first grand baby

I was wheeled to recovery where they checked me over and cleaned me up. I had already gotten feeling back in my feet and could lift my legs. They were impressed and I was thankful. They called for my family to come back but they couldn't be found. I didn't even process that they would be at the nursery. Finally my parents came back. My dad looked to flustered and anxious though cute enough for a funny story! Apparently even though seeing Dale and the photographer around this adorable baby he said "this kid is cute but where is our baby." Gotta love it! Grandma showed me some pictures that I will have to ask for again. I was forewarned that he was hungry and trying to suck on everything.

Thankfully soon came daddy pushing the bassinet with our son in it. He said "Here he is," and I just said "yay!" - with hand clapping that I do when I'm excited.  They handed him to me and I immediately without even thinking about it, removed the gown from my right breast and offered him the nipple. It only took him a tiny bit before he latched on. It didn't hurt me at all. We had done it. Despite the fears of bonding or not being able to breastfeeding we were doing it. I was providing for my son. Finally, we were doing something we were supposed to.

With some help from daddy we did it!

I was told he had a slight heart murmur that they weren't sure if they should be concerned with and that there were also some very minor things they were keeping and eye on and had to take him to the NICU to check. I was also told that they had a hard time getting him to take his first breath and that he needed "two puffs of oxygen." Which after reading his newborn release form I realize means he needed to be resuscitated. I knew he needed to go have his tests done because I wanted to be with himI told dale he could go ahead but to keep my update through texts. Yes, I was on my phone in recovery instead of recovering. Though I did almost fall asleep.

We ended up with a private room next to the NICU just in case his murmur was more than they thought. I felt comfortable knowing we would be right there. I updated Facebook and tried to relax while waiting to hear from Dale. Thankfully I was told I would finally be able to have juice and crackers. Not being able to eat was a killer! Dale and I texted back and forth about updates. Michael was still having tests done and I had minimal bleeding so would be cleared soon. I mentioned skin to skin which I believe they were able to do. These drugs are a memory killer!

I was wheeled to our new room and dale followed with Michael soon after. I was so amazed that he didn't cry! And that everyone was already talking about him. "Oh, you had the ten pound baby!" I honestly never thought he was that big. And granted larger babies have been delivered vaginally. Our issue was his 15" head and that it was trying to come out at the wrong angle. My poor boy had a very large bruise/knot on the top of his head. He literally was not going to fit no matter how hard we tried.

I never did call in our Doula. We were informed and aware enough that we never felt pressured or guilted into anything. Thankfully she was still able to come get our placenta for encapsulation. I was very thankful to have had that done. I knew if I needed the surgery depression may be a concern, which it was. But not for long which I attribute to the capsules.

Thinking back I wish we had decided on the c-section when Dale and I had our heart to heart. Maybe I wouldn't have put MJ through the distress. Maybe he wouldn't have needed to be resuscitated. Maybe his birth would have been less traumatic. I try not to beat myself up because we now have an incredibly healthy and beautiful baby boy. We have had no major issues breastfeeding, he has now passed all of his tests and the murmur they were worried about is gone.

He rarely crys. Unless you piss him off, then he let's you know. Must be the Scorpio in him. My true moment of bliss was our first night together, he was sleeping peacefully then woke up from what seemed like a very traumatic nightmare. I held him close, shushed him, and told him mommy was there. He immediately went back to his peaceful sleep. I had all my mommy fears and anxieties washed away. This boy was perfect.

Michael was the talk of Labor and Delivery while we were there. They just couldn't get enough of him. And even though the constant interruptions through the days and nights were ubnoxious it was the best days of my life. It was the three of us in our little room growing as a family. The first night was rough. I was too afraid to fall asleep with him in my arms so Dale and I took turns. The second night that fear was gone. He slept safely and peacefully on my chest as he did many times over the next few days.

Dale was and continues to be so fantastic. Even when waking him up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or ask him to take MJ for a little bit he never once complained. I couldn't have asked for a better father or husband for our family. He really took everything so fantastically and only showed his fears and anxieties briefly.

We have now been home for some time and have celebrated our first Thanksgiving together as a family. Michael is adjusting to everything fantastically and continues to be a breastfeeding pro! I am still healing physically though my incision looks great. Mental and emotional healing will take some time, however. I will have to accept that I was not able to go into labor on my own or deliver our first child. I have had some odd complications that we can't pin point to the surgery but only assume it is from that or the hospital stay.

I was always the woman who believed there was a natural solution for everything. We are living proof that you can plan the most natural labor and delivery and it can be completely out of your hands, It unfortunately does happen. All we can do is educate ourselves and take it one step at a time. Im still looking forward to having more children eventually and hope that i still get my chance to deliver.

XOXO,